Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts
by Crack God
Summary: Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto find out why Kakashi's always late: He's on drugs! Kakashi tries to get his squad on drugs with him, but will his attempts succeed? And what happens when Neji 'accidentally' kills Ino? Later chapters have sasuXsaku. Finished!
1. Kakashi's Problem

Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts

By: Crack God

Chapter One (Chapter 1)

Sakura patiently waited for her sensei, and her other teammates for that matter, to show up at the bridge that was her squad's meeting place every morning. Annoyed, she started to tap her foot with slight anger. But not before long, she was pounding the bridge with intense fury, causing part of the bridge to sag down just inches above the water.

After twenty minutes, Naruto and Sasuke showed up, both of them extremely loopy. "Sasuke!" Sakura exclaimed. "What took you so long?"

"Hn," Sasuke mumbled.

"MEOW!" Naruto exclaimed.

"What happened to you guys?" Sakura asked in a worried tone. "It looks like Kakashi put you on some of his stuff. I mean, just like at his eye. It ALWAYS looks high."

"No," Sasuke said. "Naruto just had some chocolate flavored ramen, twenty-two bowls to be exact. He also managed to force me into eating six or seven bowls."

"Mudder Butter Skittles!" Naruto yelled like the retard he is. "I'll become Hokage and Skittles will be my super ninja assistant!"

"That would probably do it," Sakura commented. "Now the only one who is missing is Kakashi sensei. Don't you guys wonder why he is always late?"

"Not really," Sasuke stated. "I already know."

"Then why?" Sakura asked.

"Well… he's always on a bunch of drugs, to be perfectly honest," Sasuke answered. "The other day when I went into his house he was surrounded by about a million joints. He offered me some, but I had to turn him down."

"That figures," Sakura replied. "We should go over to his house and steal all of his drugs. Then he'll never be late again."

"Sorry I'm late, guys," a high looking Kakashi (he always looks high, as you should already know) sensei. "I'm afraid I got lost on the road of life."

"More like the hazy path of crack!" Sasuke shouted.

"Geez, Sasuke, I asked if you wanted some the other day and you just refused," Kakashi said. "Anyway, today your mission will be to go into the local crack center and come out with some for a certain someone."

"Why can't you just get your crack yourself, Kakashi sensei?" Sakura asked rudely.

"It's not my fault if the owner banned me from the store for trying to smuggle some of his crack out!" Kakashi protested.

"What's in it for us?" Naruto questioned, regaining his lost sanity.

"I'll give you all the drugs you want," Kakashi answered.

"What are drugs?" Naruto stupidly asked.

"You're such a loser," Sasuke spoke. "Drugs are what our high sensei is on, you retard; marijuana, crack, cocaine and so forth."

"But what do drugs do?" Naruto whined.

"How about I give you some so you can experience their magical effects yourself," Kakashi offered. "All you have to do is go into the crack center and bring me back some and we'll split the drugs fifty percent to fifty percent."

"Okay!" Naruto enthusiastically hollered. He started to run off to go get the ever so precious drugs, but then he came running back. "Where is the crack center, Kakashi sensei?"

"Just go left on South Avenue, then go onto Green Drain Street. From there go to Speed, and from Speed go to Drugy Ramen. From Drugy Ramen go to Mary Jane, then go to Marijuana. Go back to South Avenue, then to Speed and lastly arrive at Mary Jane again. A mile north on Mary Jane is the crack center," Kakashi said patiently.

"Left on South Avenue, then go onto Green Drain Street. From there go to Speed, and from Speed go to Drugy Ramen. From Drugy Ramen go to Mary Jane, then go to Marijuana. Go back to South Avenue, then to Speed and lastly arrive at Mary Jane again. A mile north on Mary Jane is the crack center," Naruto repeated, confirming the directions with his sensei. "Got it!"

Then the blonde ninja ran off to the crack center.

"Why do you need MORE crack?" Sasuke questioned. "I thought you had an unlimited supply."

"Yes, and I got that unlimited supply in which you speak of from the great crack center," Kakashi replied.

"But why do you want us to be on your filthy drugs when that means less drugs for you?" Sakura asked.

But Kakashi sensei didn't here his female student ask her question, for he got out some lovely crack, lit it with his lighter, and inhaled every precious fume that came to him.

"Ahhhhhh!" Kakashi spoke. "I love you, crack! But I can't forget Mary Jane, no I can't. I love you, I love all of my wonderfully magical drugs!"

"Umm, Kakashi," Sasuke said. "You do know that Naruto will probably just smoke all of your crack before he even gets back, don't you?"

"Hoppy, Hopper, Copper!" Kakashi exclaimed. "I love my lovable hoppy, hopper, drugy drugs!"

"I think we lost him," Sakura stated. "We better leave before any one of us does something we'll strongly regret."

"Hn," Sasuke 'agreed'.

Then Sasuke and Sakura left Kakashi all alone on the sagging bridge to fend for himself, not even bothering to look back when they heard a large splash that could have been suicidal for their sensei.

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That's the end of chapter one. I hope you liked it and I apologize for it being short.

To prevent some future confusion, Sakura is fifteen, Sasuke is fifteen, and Naruto is fifteen, so to say it more simply all three of them are fifteen. If you haven't read Perverts, Freaks and Lovers you should read and review it. It's my other fanfic story that I am writing, and it's mostly humor with some romance that will be extended in the future. I also wrote Psycho at the Table and Kill That Psycho, so read and review those as well please! Anyway, thanks for reading this fanfic and please review!


	2. Naruto's Foolish Atempts

**Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts **

Author: Crack God

Chapter Two (Chapter 2)

In the last chapter:

Kakashi tried to bribe his team into getting some crack for him. At first, things seemed bleak for the addicted sensei, but then he remembered Naruto. Naruto agreed to help his sensei get his precious drugs as long as he himself could try some. Then the blonde ninja ran off to get the crack, leaving Sakura and Sasuke with their ever so high sensei. Soon, the two abandoned Kakashi to fend for himself, not even looking back when they heard a possibly suicidal splash of water.

Now on with the chapter!

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It was late into the night that followed the previous day. Kakashi heard a knock on his door around two o'clock. He would have been sleeping at this time, but he was too busy smoking his remaining crack.

He walked towards his door and opened it, expecting for the Easter Bunny to hop right on in. Instead, he found a fox. A fox wearing an orange and blue track suit.

"I got the drugs," Naruto whispered to his sensei. "And the shop owner gave me a special present for being a first time customer!"

"Oh," Kakashi spoke. "I didn't know the Easter Bunny used drugs. I just thought he hid some in his eggs."

"But I'm not the Easter Bunny! I'm Naruto, believe it!" Naruto whined. "Now just show me how to use these drugs already!"

"Naruto? So that's your real name," Kakashi remarked. "I used to have a student named Naruto. But I think he died when Sakura, one of my other students, turned him down for a date."

"What are you talking about? I am your student!" Naruto whined.

Kakashi then slammed his door shut and went back to smoking his remaining crack. Naruto just left and figured that he could find out how to smoke crack by himself.

When Naruto got home he sat on his bed and started to investigate his coat that was filled with crack. He spread the crack out and began to think. How could you make a drug release its effects?

First, Naruto put one joint inside of a bowl of strawberry flavored ramen and ate it with the noodles. He waited, but nothing happened. He waited more, but all he got was a stomach ache.

Next, the blonde ninja put a few joints inside his pants. Then he danced around like the idiot he was. He danced and danced and danced, but nothing happened. He removed the joints from his pants and thought of another way.

Once a new idea struck him, Naruto went to go get a glass of water. He put six joints inside it and drank them all in one gulp. Some how he managed to swallow the first five joints whole, but he was left with the last one caught in his throat. After about ten minutes of fighting for air, Naruto finally coughed up the sixth joint and he put it back with the others.

Then Naruto remembered the present that the crack store's owner had given him. He rummaged through his pockets, pulling out several seeds. Now what would seeds do if you were smoking some crack? Naruto was about to eat the seeds right when he remembered that store's owner said that the seeds weren't for crack. He said that they were for a different drug.

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It was now around seven o'clock in the morning inside Naruto's house. He had been awake all night, trying to figure out how to use crack to get a 'different' feeling. Sadly, he had been unsuccessful.

But what could he have been doing wrong? He tried almost everything, but nothing seemed to work. The closest thing that he got to a new feeling was when he put the joints in his pants. It was kind of like the feeling when he was around Sakura or Hinata, only that it was somewhat… stronger. But I really do NOT want to get into any detail at all.

So Naruto decided to elaborate upon the time when he put the joints in his pants. But how could he do just so? He slipped his pants off and put six or seven joints in his boxers. Then he danced and danced and danced and danced some more. But eventually he couldn't dance any more so he collapsed face first upon his bed.

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Kakashi sensei walked up the steps to Naruto's house. He was supposed to have given Kakashi his crack last night and it was already noon the next day. His brain hammered in his skull, craving for the precious drugs in which he solely depended upon for his very survival. He was about to pull his hair out, but he noticed something moving inside of Naruto's house.

Crashes, pops, bangs, booms, and the sounds of splintering wood could be heard from within the architectural structure that was the location where Naruto lived.

Then the moans and groans of Naruto himself started. Kakashi ears could hear the shrieks of painful pain and delightful delight. His eyes widened in horror. Naruto had gone down to an even bigger loser.

Kakashi was about to run from the disturbing seen, but then he remembered his crack. How could he abandon his drugs? But he really didn't want to see what was going on either.

He forced his hand out and rang the doorbell. Nothing happened, except the moans and groans got louder. Louder and louder and louder. Then, they stopped. Footsteps could be heard walking towards the door.

Then, the door opened, revealing Naruto. His boxers were loose around his waist as if he had just rushed to put them on two seconds ago. And for his other clothes, they were no where to be seen.

"Guess what, Kakashi?" Naruto said with a big grin on his face. "I just figured out how to use crack! Part of it was painful, but I think I got the hang of it!"

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A/N: And that's the end of chapter two! Weird it was, but all of my fic chapters are. Wow. I have to say this though; this chapter was my most disgusting chapter I ever wrote for any fic. But oh well. I hope you all liked it! Sorry for taking so long to update, but now I have three fics that I have to update because they're not one- shots. Whatever. Thanks for reading and please review!


	3. Gaara's Psychiatrist

Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts 

Chapter Three (Chapter 3)

Chapter Title: Gaara's Psychiatrist

This chapter is dedicated to: People (I fucking hope that includes you)

In the previous chapter:

Naruto got the crack and went to Kakashi's house. Kakashi thought that Naruto was the Easter Bunny, so Naruto left his high sensei alone and took the crack with him. Naruto tried to smoke crack himself, but instead he found out how to do something else, and while thinking that certain something else was smoking crack.

Now on with the chapter!

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"Oh god no!" Kakashi exclaimed. "Do not tell me that you did what I think you did!"

"Well, what do think I did?" Naruto asked.

"Naruto, you are one poor soul," Kakashi remarked. "I'm taking you to a psychiatrist right away."

Kakashi grabbed the almost nude Naruto by the arm, but then let him go. "On second thought, you should put some clothes on first."

"But what's a psychiatrist?" Naruto asked.

"A psychiatrist is a person that helps people with problems, people like you," Kakashi replied.

"But what problem do I have?" Naruto whined.

"You'll find out when you get to the psychiatrist. Now hurry up and put some clothes on," Kakashi spoke, fearing that Naruto would go crazy if he himself told him what his problem was.

"But I don't want to put my clothes on!" Naruto pouted.

"Your condition is more severe than what I thought," Kakashi said. "I'll have to send the psychiatrist over here. Naruto, stay in your house until I come back, okay?"

"Only if you bring me ramen!" Naruto shouted.

"Fine, I'll bring you ramen," Kakashi spoke. Then it dawned upon the addicted sensei. _What if Naruto does **it** again? I can't leave him alone!_

Kakashi looked around and saw Sakura on the other side of the street. "Sakura!" Kakashi exclaimed. "Come over here and look after Naruto while I'm gone!"

"Why would I look after Naruto?" Sakura spat.

"Because if you do I'll force Sasuke to go out with you," Kakashi replied.

"Fair enough," Sakura commented and went inside Naruto's house with Naruto. "You better not do any funny stuff while I'm hear, Naruto!" With that she slammed the door and Kakashi went to find a psychiatrist.

Kakashi sensei walked up to a really long driveway that lead to Jack Nicholson's house, yes, THE Jack Nicholson from the movie 'Anger Management'. The driveway was at least two miles long and once Kakashi crossed it, he found out that the house was even bigger. I mean, it was so fucking huge that it had twenty-three stories! But that really is beside the point.

Kakashi trudged up the porch and tapped the doorbell three times. In the background, the song 'I Feel Pretty' could be heard. Soon the door opened, revealing Jack.

"Ah, hello Kakashi," Jack spoke. "Are you here for another session? I'm already in one, so it wouldn't be the slightest problem."

"Oh, so you're busy," Kakashi replied, his hopes sinking.

"Now, Kakashi, what's the problem?"

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Meanwhile, inside Naruto's house, Sakura was in a closet. Whether she was forced inside the confined area or if she was hiding herself for safety could not be determined. Although, it was noted that her left leg did appear to have a white colored substance upon the upper thigh, but you never really do know…

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"Come on, Kakashi, spit it out," Jack urged.

"Well, one of my students is having a problem," Kakashi attempted to explain.

"Well, come on in," Jack beckoned. "We'll talk it over a nice song of 'I Feel Pretty'."

Kakashi stepped in and followed Jack down the hall and into the elevator. Jack turned the dial to the twenty-second floor, then began speaking as the elevator rose.

"So, what kind of problem is it?" Jack Nicholson asked. "Did you get another person to buy you your drugs?"

Kakashi fell silent. After all, the reason he had met Jack in the first place was because of the anger he experienced when he didn't get his drugs. I mean, one time he blew up an entire village because a storeowner wouldn't sell him more than a hundred joints. From that day on the village had a nickname of 'The Village Hidden in the Anger That Kakashi Created Because He Didn't Get More Than His Daily Amount of One Hundred- And- One Joints So Now the Village is Destroyed'. But of course, Jack had no idea about this.

"No," Kakashi finally answered.

Just then, the elevator reached the twenty-second floor and opened. Jack stepped out and Kakashi sensei soon followed.

"This, Kakashi," Jack spoke," is my new pupil."

Kakashi's eyes widened in shock. Before him was a certain red- haired child from the Village Hidden in the Sand.

Kakashi took a few steps forward. Soon he noticed that Gaara was reading a book entitled: 'Butterflies and Unicorns; The Secrets to Control Your Deepest Angers'

"Gaara, this is Kakashi," Jack spoke. "Kakashi, this is Gaara."

"I'm afraid we've already met," Kakashi mumbled just soft enough so that Jack Nicholson couldn't hear him.

"Now, Kakashi, what exactly do you need?" Jack questioned.

"Well, I need you to go over to my students house," Kakashi sensei spoke. "His condition is far to advanced to even think about taking him through the public."

"I'm afraid that I can't help you there," Jack spoke. "Gaara is at a very important breaking point. He's just about to grasp the concept of 'please' and 'thank you', so he needs me right now. But I do know someone who can help. I'll be right back with their card."

Jack left the room and exited to the left, leaving Gaara and Kakashi all alone.

"W- would you like to s- sing with me?" Gaara asked creepily.

"No thanks," Kakashi remarked. "I'll pass."

"Sing with me, dammit!" Gaara exclaimed. "SING WITH ME!"

Hastily, Jack entered the room and restrained Gaara. "No, bad Gaara!" Jack yelled. "Don't force people to sing if they don't want to!"

"I WANT KAKASHI TO SING!" Gaara exclaimed. Then he escaped Jack's grip and jumped out the window.

"Sorry about that," Jack apologized. "This is why I prefer to have sessions on lower floors. Anyway, here's the card for someone who might help you. I have to run Gaara to the hospital." Jack handed a white and black card over to Kakashi and left.

Kakashi sensei glanced at the card.

_Oh fucking God no! _Kakashi exclaimed in his head.

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And that's the end of chapter three! This actually turned out to be a chapter with hardly any drug comments. Surprising, yes? If you've read Perverts, Freaks, and Lovers then you should know that I hardly have chapters with no drug comments. BUT DON'T DO DRUGS! DRUGS CAN SCREW YOU UP! I HAVE NEVER TRIED DRUGS! Yeah, would you please be sure to leave a review. I really appreciate any review, even if it burns my fic to ashes because then I'll know what not to do in the future. Please review and thanks to all of those that have done so already.


	4. Trapped in Naruto's Closet: Part 1

Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts 

By: Crack God

In the previous chapter:

Kakashi couldn't believe what Naruto did. He tried to take the blonde to a psychiatrist, but Naruto refused to put his clothes on. So, Kakashi left Naruto with Sakura and preceded to find a psychiatrist. His search led him to the house (more like skyscraper!) of Jack Nicholson. Kakashi rang the doorbell and Jack answered, soon taking Kakashi sensei to the person he was currently helping; Gaara. Kakashi told Jack that one of his students needed help and that the situation was too severe to take his student through the public. Jack said that he couldn't help because Gaara was at a breaking point in his treatment, but he offered to give information on another psychiatrist that could help. Jack left to go get their card, leaving Kakashi sensei all alone with the ninja from sand. Gaara asked Kakashi to sing with him, but Kakashi refused, causing Gaara to go through a temper tantrum. Jack hurried back and restrained Gaara, but the red haired ninja escaped and jumped out a window. Jack then apologized for Gaara, gave Kakashi the card for someone that might be able to help, then rushed out to take Gaara to a hospital.

Now on with the new installment!

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Chapter Four (Chapter 4)

Chapter Title: Trapped in Naruto's Closet Part I

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Kakashi gazed upon the card that Jack had just given him. He simply could not believe what it said. Sure, anyone with a brain could have figured it out, but Kakashi traded his brain for two joints.

What the card read was:

Do you have problems?

Psychological problems?

Are your problems so severe that you don't even know that you have problems?

If so, we at Psycho Fixing (located on 123 Retarded St) can help you. Our highly qualified specialists know exactly how to deal with your psychotic needs. With around the clock service for three hours a day, we can help you with your problems.

Head Psychiatrist: Neji Hyuga

After two hours or so, Kakashi started to comprehend how Neji could possibly be a psychiatrist. Recently, Rock Lee and Gai sensei had been acting… normal. Neither of them wore spandex now, just normal ninja clothes. They actually even plucked their eyebrows.

Eventually, Kakashi came to the conclusion that Neji Hyuga had helped Lee and Gai become normal. _If Neji was able to cure Lee and Gai then he can cure anyone!_ Kakashi sensei thought. _This Psycho Fixing place seems even better than Jack himself!_

Kakashi used the elevator and exited the building. He walked down the driveway and tried to catch a cab.

After half an hour, one finally pulled over. The driver rolled down his window. "Do you mind riding with some other people?" he asked.

"No, not at all," Kakashi replied.

"Alright then," the can driver answered. "Where to you want to go?"

"123 Retarded Street please," Kakashi replied while open the cab door and climbing in, then closing the door behind him.

Kakashi sensei pulled out his dirty book and started to read, ignoring whoever else that just so happened to be in the cab. As long as they weren't too annoying everything would be fine.

The cab was quiet… too quiet. Kakashi turned his head to see who the other passengers were. To his horror, he saw a completely naked Ino holding a certain Uchiha that just so happened to have his arms and legs chained and his mouth covered in what appeared to a dozen roles of duct tape.

"Mgghteeee!" Sasuke tried to speak. "Hlllp mmmmmmmmmmmmm, Snsaaaaaaaaaaa! Gt ths fckin hr ooff mmmmm!

Kakashi's eyes widened. His favorite, well not really, student was being raped by the number one feared whore in the entire village, wait scratch that, I meant to say the number one feared fucking whore in the entire universe!

"I'll give five joints if you agree to tell no one of this, okay Kakashi?" Ino bribed Kakashi sensei into letting her continue what she was doing with Sasuke.

Kakashi stopped and took a moment to think. "Sasuke, what will you give me if I free you from Ino?"

"Mmfghfggjtyjytyfddededekuty!" Sasuke spoke. "Ll gv yo fv mlln dllrs oto gt th fucingh dmn whr oooff mmmmmmmmmmmmm!"

"Sorry Sasuke," Kakashi replied. "I'm afraid that five joints are more valuable to me that a couple of muffled moans. Ino, throw a lighter in and you got yourself a deal."

"Alright, Kakashi," Ino spoke, handing some joints and a lighter to Kakashi sensei.

With that, Kakashi started continued his journey to find a psychiatrist by smoking drugs. And Ino, well she stripped Sasuke down and continued to play with the raven-haired Uchiha teenaged boy, who seemed to be muttering curses to Kakashi.

"Hey, Sasuke," Ino spoke. "I'll take that duct tape off your mouth if you agree to suck me."

Sasuke violently shook his head no, but Ino, being the whore she is, took this as a yes. She ripped the duct tape of Sasuke as painful as she could make it for him, and then shoved her breast into his mouth. He tried to bite it in defense and defiance, but it was just damn too squishy and wiggly and jello- like. TOO squishy and wiggly and jello- like… hmm…

_Fuck you Kakashi! I swear I'll kill you!_ Sasuke exclaimed within his own head. _You're on the top of my kill list, you bastard! That's right; you even beat Itachi and Naruto, you fucking bitch- ish bastard!_

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Sakura tripped over a 'box' inside Naruto's closet, spilling the contents on the ground. Instantly, the area was illuminated by a mass of jewel- red sequins.

_Oh god no!_ Sakura thought. _Naruto's ten times crazier than what I thought!_

Sakura collapsed out of embarrassment that Naruto was on her team. He knees crunched through the sequins. She dug her hands into the mess, feeling something smooth and glass- like.

She picked it up and tugged it out of the sequins, thus revealing it's true identity.

The pink haired kunoichi's emerald eyes widened in fear. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" she exclaimed, throwing the object at the wall. But it didn't brake, even though it was made of glass and baked clay. Sakura backed into a corner, trembling and shivering. The object moved closer to her, readying to pounce upon the female ninja.

"S- stay- Stay back!" Sakura cried. "I know how to use a kunai and a shuriken, you know."

"Just try to brake me!" it replied. "I can never be destroyed. The clay that makes me is filled with an immense amount of chakra. The chakra from the Nine- Tailed Fox!"

"I'm- I- I'm warning you!" Sakura sobbed. "Don't make me bust you up… for good! I swear I'll kill you!"

"Foolish child," the object hissed back. "I could kill you in an instant."

"This is your final warning!" Sakura cried out.

It was the Lamp of Evil, coming to claim the rest of the Nine- Tailed Fox's chakra.

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The cab just pulled up to 123 Retarded Street. The address belonged a large architectural structure in the shape of a donut. Kakashi paid the cab driver and opened the door.

"Sorry, Ino," Kakashi said. "But Sasuke's coming with me now." Kakashi grabbed his student by the shoulder and pulled him out of the cab. Luckily, Sasuke was now fully clothed, but his tan colored shorts were on backwards, but he was still fully clothed nonetheless. Then the cab pulled away; just in time before Kakashi had to listen to Ino's bitch fit.

"Why did you let that fucking whore rape me, you bastard!" Sasuke yelled at his sensei.

"What? Oh, that," Kakashi replied. "Because I need my drugs, as you should already know, Sasuke. Which reminds me, I'm forcing you to go out with Sakura."

"What? Why?" Sasuke barked defiantly.

"Because it was the only way to get her to baby sit Naruto," Kakashi sensei replied. "Besides, I doubt that you want to go back with Ino."

"Grrrrrrr," Sasuke growled. "Whatever, just get these chains off my legs and arms!"

"Very well," Kakashi sighed. Then, within two seconds flat, the chains restraining Sasuke from escaping were removed. "Now then, I need you to help me find the head psychiatrist here."

"What for?" Sasuke questioned.

"Because our 'friend' Naruto has developed a new way to pass the time," Kakashi answered.

"Don't tell me that he did THAT!" Sasuke exclaimed.

_Yes, because THAT is fun!_ Sasuke thought in his head.

"Yes, I'm afraid that he did do 'that'," Kakashi sensei replied, not having the slightest idea that Sasuke did 'that' as well. "So right now he needs a psychiatrist. The head psychiatrist here is Neji Hyuga."

"No duh! Everyone knows that Neji is the head psychiatrist here, at Psycho Fixing, 123 Retarded Street!" Sasuke shouted. "I mean, who wouldn't after he cured Lee and Gai!"

"Whatever," Kakashi 'retaliated.' "Just help me find Neji so that Naruto can be cured and we can forget that all of this happened.

"Alright," Sasuke replied.

With that, the two pushed through the doors and entered the Psycho Fixing building. Immediately, a female with brown hair greeted them.

"Hello, welcome to Psycho Fixing! How may I help you two?" she spoke in a peppy tone. She looked at Sasuke, then continued. "Oh, I see that this one here needs to learn how to put his clothes on the right way!"

"Actually, that's not the problem," Kakashi replied. "We need to find Neji Hyuga and take him to one of my student's place. The condition is far too severe to take the travel through the public."

"Okay then," the brown haired woman replied. "Just follow me and I'll take you to Neji."

The woman went down the hall, followed by Kakashi and Sasuke. The place was fairly crouded and the three had to run down a figure with no arms that oddly closely, very closely, VERY, VERY, VERY closely resembled Diedara. But the three trudged on.

Once they reached as far back as you could go in the doughnut shaped building the woman stopped in front of a door that was plated with a sign that read: The Office of Neji and Tenten

"This is Mr. Hyuga's office," the woman replied, knocking on the door.

"Please come in," Tenten's voice could be heard through the door.

The woman opened the door and Kakashi and Sasuke walked in, but the woman left and closed the door behind her.

"Oh, Neji, it's Kakashi and Sasuke," Tenten spoke. Neji was in a large chair with wheels that was facing towards the window. He then turned the chair around and faced his guests.

"Ahh, Kakashi and Sasuke," Neji spoke. "And it appears that Sasuke is having a problem putting his shorts on the right way."

"Long story," Kakashi replied. "But that was a certain blonde female's fault. Instead, we need your help with Naruto."

"I see," Neji spoke. "So Ino strikes again. But anyway, it figures that Naruto would crack one of these days. I suppose you want me to come over to his house to get an idea of the full extent of his problems?"

"Yes, we do," Kakashi replied.

"Very well," Neji spoke. "Tenten, would you like to assist me?"

"Sure," Tenten replied.

"Okay then," Neji said we shall ride in the black limousine."

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Now back to Naruto's closet!

"Hellllllpppp!" Sakura exclaimed. "The Lamp of Evil is about to eat me!"

"I'll save you!" a squeaky voice said. A box on the top shelf fell down and Bambi (When he's little) popped out of it. "I'll save you, Sakura!"

"Bambi!" Sakura exclaimed. "You're my hero!"

"You shall never defeat me, Bambi!" The Lamp of Evil spoke. With that he charged and 'poked' Bambi in the ass.

"Noooooooo!" Bambi exclaimed. "The Lamp of Evil has molested me!" With that Bambi fainted.

"Now you, girl," The Lamp of Evil spoke, "rub my poking penis or I shall kill Bambi!"

Sakura started shaking even more. She then crawled over to the Lamp of Evil and rubbed it… at the place where it wanted to be rubbed.

"Ohhh! Yeah! Harder! Harder! Oh wait, that was too hard," The Lamp of Evil spoke. "OOOH! Yeah! That's the way!"

"When can I stop?" Sakura shuddered.

"Hmm," The Lamp of Evil spoke. "I'll have to get back to you on that later."

"Stop!" another voice in the closet spoke.

"Where are you?" The Lamp of Evil said in a worried tone. "Show yourself or prepare to be poked!"

Mickey Mouse dramatically appeared, flying down from the ceiling. "I'll save you Sakura!" he spoke.

"Get away, you fat rat!" Sakura shouted. "You're worse that the Lamp of Evil over here."

Hearing this, Mickey Mouse lost his spirits and fell down, landing on the Lamp of Evil's stiff poker.

"Die, you damn rat!" The Lamp of Evil spoke, preparing to kill Mickey Mouse once and for all with his creepiness. "Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

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A/N: Well, that's the end of chapter four. I managed to keep to the main story line and add in randomness in one chapter. Too random? Not random enough? Let me know when you review. And as for the Lamp of Evil, he's basically a very perverted lamp that can move and talk. I don't even know why I put him in there. But oh well. Since this is Trapped in Naruto's Closet Part I, the next chapter will be Trapped in Naruto's Closet Part II. I would really appreciate if you could give me any ideas on what else is in Naruto's closet, so please review and share any of your ideas with me. Thanks and please review.


	5. Trapped in Naruto's Closet: Part 2

Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts 

Written By: Crack God

In the previous chapter: Trapped in Naruto's Closet Part I

The card that Jack gave to Kakashi was for a place called Psycho Fixing and the head of Psycho Fixing was Neji Hyuga. So then Kakashi left Jack's place and tried to catch a cab to go to Psycho Fixing. After a half hour he got a cab, but he had to ride with some other passengers. Upon further investigation, Kakashi discovered that the other passengers were Ino and Sasuke, and Ino was trying to rape Sasuke. Ino gave Kakashi some joints to keep the addicted sensei quiet, and Kakashi agreed. When he reached Psycho Fixing he took Sasuke with him and went to see Neji. When they arrived at the Hyuga's office, Tenten told them to come in and Kakashi explained Naruto's situation to Neji and Tenten, and then they agreed to go see Naruto to observe the full extent of his problems. Also, Sakura was trapped in Naruto's closet with the Lamp of Evil. Bambi tried to save her, but failed and fainted. Then Mickey Mouse tried to save him, but Sakura hated Mickey Mouse so the rat lost his spirits and the Lamp of Evil prepared to kill Mickey Mouse.

Now on with the next installment!

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Chapter Five (Chapter 5)

Trapped in Naruto's Closet Part II

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The Lamp of Evil opened his mouth wide and clamped it's jaws around Mickey Mouse.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Help mmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Mickey Mouse screamed in agony.

Blood squirted from the mouse and in seconds the dam rat was dead. Then the Lamp of Evil swallowed the animal whole in one gulp.

"Did I tell you to stop rubbing?" The Lamp of Evil spoke to Sakura.

"S- sorry," Sakura cried and continued rubbing.

Buzzz! Buzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

A loud buzzing noise surrounded the area.

"Are those bees?" The Lamp of Evil asked. "I'm highly allergic. Let's find them!"

Sakura and the Lamp of Evil got up and started searching for the bees. Soon the buzzing got louder and louder and the two came across a green bush in Naruto's closet. Then the bees attacked.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" The Lamp of Evil yelled. "I'm allergic!"

"Then why did you look for them in the first place?" Sakura questioned.

"I don't know!" The Lamp of Evil cried. "But my only chance is to hit every single bee in the face!"

Magically, arms sprouted from the lamp and he started to hit every single bee in the face. However, he only managed to hit a single one and in seconds all of the other bees stung the lamp of evil and then went back into their so called bush.

And then the Lamp of Evil died and turned into a normal lamp. But the horrors inside Naruto's closet were far from over.

Sakura hit the wall inside the closet for no apparent reason what so ever. Suddenly, the ceiling opened up and Kiba and Akamaru fell down.

"What are you doing in Naruto's closet, Kiba?" Sakura asked the dog boy.

"Well… umm… you see, but this is the only 'safe' place for me and Akamaru to be… … alone," Kiba replied.

"Why is that?" Sakura questioned, apparently not getting the 'true' meaning of what Kiba had said.

"Because… . . . . . . it just is," Kiba said. "I mean, who in their right mind would look for us in Naruto's closet. You know?"

"Yeah, I think so," Sakura answered. "Okay."

"One question though," Kiba said. "Why are YOU in Naruto's closet? Are you hiding from him or did he force you in here?"

"I don't know," Sakura replied in a creepy tone of voice with her eyes opened wide.

"Well, could you leave Akamaru and myself 'alone'," Kiba asked. "And please don't tell anyone else that we are in here."

"I'm afraid that I can not leave," Sakura replied.

"Umm… why not?" Kiba spoke in response, irritated that the pink haired, emerald eyed kunoichi wouldn't just fucking leave him alone with his little doggy.

"Because," Sakura stated.

"Because why?" Kiba growled through gritted teeth.

"Because I can't," Sakura replied. "Because… umm… because Bambi is still unconscious!"

Kiba glanced down on the ground and saw Bambi, unconscious, just like Sakura had said.

"Well, could you at least look at Bambi and under no circumstances look at Akamaru and myself?" Kiba pleaded.

"Umm… sure, I guess," Sakura agreed. With that she sat down and started to 'stroke' Bambi's 'back' with her so called hand.

_This could end up being a challenge, _Kiba thought. _Akamaru and I will have to be very quiet if we don't want Sakura to catch us. Dammit! Why couldn't she just have left! Oh well, we'll just have to make do with what we got. _

Kiba took his shirt off as silently as possible, then followed by his belt and pants. Akamaru, however, jumped up and snatched Kiba's boxers off. Kiba got ready into place when 'it' fell down to the ground and magically flew by Sakura.

At first Sakura didn't care what the object was, but then it sparked a slight interest in her. She looked down, and her eyes widened.

The object was a tampon. Kiba's tampon.

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Kakashi, Sasuke, and Tenten were enjoying the comfortable black limousine while Neji was driving. He had no idea what so ever where Naruto's house was located, and he didn't bother to ask where it was. He just wanted to drive his limousine, and there's nothing at all wrong with that. That is, except the fact that he was wasting gas, wasting time, wasting money, and running over whores on the street. But besides that, everything was fine.

Finally Sasuke realized that Neji had no idea where he was going, but it didn't bother him that much. After all, Neji had almost hit Ino.

"Hey, Neji," Sasuke spoke. "Go back and try to get Ino again."

"With pleasure," Neji replied. Then the Hyuga turned around and rocketed towards the blonde whore. Unluckily, Ino got away by streaking in front of Neji, causing for him to go temporarily blind.

"Oh, Neji," Ino said sweetly outside, not knowing that Neji was trying to kill her. "I knew you'd come back to me!"

"Get a life, you fucking whore!" Sasuke screeched out his window.

Ino, being the whore she is, took 'get a life, you fucking whore' for 'get over here right now so that we can fuck each other'. Instantly, Ino lunged at the limousine and attempted to pull Sasuke out of it, but Sasuke rolled up his window just in time.

"I do love a game of 'Kill the Whore', but can't we just hurry up and help Naruto," Kakashi spoke. "God knows what he did to Sakura."

Kakashi waited for a reply, but instead Neji turned around and tried to get Ino again.

"You do know where Naruto lives, right?" Kakashi questioned.

The sound of squealing tires could be heard as Neji hastily hammered down the brakes before he ran into a brick wall.

"Hello, Neji?" Kakashi sensei spoke. "Are you even paying attention?"

"No," Neji replied as he backed up and tried to run over Ino that way.

"No to if you know where Naruto lives are no to if you are not paying attention?" Kakashi asked.

"Both," Neji calmly replied as he did a doughnut, trying to get Ino, who was now on the wind shield, off.

"Well, would you like me to tell you where he lives?" Kakashi questioned.

"No," Neji said in response, finally swiping Ino off the wind shield and now he was trying to chase her into a dumpster.

"Well, okay," Kakashi replied. "Just let me know when we're going to go to Naruto's place to try to help him, you know. Like what we're suppose to be doing now."

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"Kiba, why do you have a tampon?" Sakura asked, still stroking Bambi.

_Oh shit! _Kiba thought. _I can't let her look at what Akamaru and I are about to do. I'll just have to tell her._

"Well, I have like thirteen sisters and no brothers, so I have to wear one to fit in," Kiba replied. "And besides, my dad put our Slip-n-Slide on sharp and pointy rocks so it helps protect me when ever I want to use it."

"Okay then," Sakura replied. "Do you have any extras? I'm all out."

"Not on me," Kiba replied, now getting annoyed with Sakura's questions.

"Okay," Sakura replied.

With that, Kiba began to start what he came to Naruto's closet to do.

Kiba started to kiss Akamaru's feet, slowly moving up to the dog's inner thigh. Akamaru whimpered slightly in enjoyment.

"Good dog," Kiba whispered slightly to Akamaru.

Kiba moved his tongue up to the dog's stomach and furiously licked his dog. Then he pushed Akamaru's legs apart. The dog gritted its teeth in enjoyment. Then things got rough.

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Oh god no! Isn't Akamaru a boy! Oh shit! For all intents and purposes, Akamaru is a girl in this fic. Well anyway, that's the end of the chapter. Someone requested a Kiba and Akamaru lemon, so here it is, all though it's not really that great. If you want me to redo it over in another chapter I will, but Akamaru will still be a girl. Whatever, I just hope all of you readers liked this chapter. I made it all up in less than an hour so that has to be a record for me. I don't like to put my ideas on paper or anything, I just type away, and I'm a really slow type- er. Thanks for reading and please review!


	6. The Chronicles of Ino's Death: Part 1

Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts (Also known as K.S.t.T.o.D.A. to those of you that care and such. Whatever, or as I now say, hn.)

Written by: Crack God

In the previous chapter:

Sakura was still trapped in Naruto's closet. The Lamp of Evil then killed Mickey Mouse. Afterwards, a buzzing noise was heard and the Lamp of Evil and Sakura started looking for bees even though the Lamp of Evil was highly allergic. The two found a bush and then the bees attacked the Lamp of Evil. The lamp tried to punch every single bee in the face, but utterly failed and was stung until he died, but Sakura wasn't even stung a single time. Meanwhile, Neji was driving the limousine and was engaged in a nice game of 'Kill That Whore' and was trying to kill Ino. Then it went back to the closet where Kiba and Akamaru fell from the ceiling and told Sakura not to look at them. Then the two (Kiba and his little pet dog, and for all intents and purposes Akamaru is a girl in this fic) engaged in sexual activity and the fact that Kiba wears a tampon was revealed to Sakura.

Now on with the chapter!

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Chapter Six (Chapter 6)

The Chronicles of Ino's Death: Part II

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"Today you die, you fucking whore!" Neji yelled out his window in the limousine while in the driver's seat, driving.

"Kill her Neji, kill her!" Sasuke hollered. "We must kill her before she assaults me again!"

"Okay, Sasuke," Neji replied, turning the limousine around towards Ino.

C- l- u- n- k! Cllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllunkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!

Neji turned his head to see if he had hit Ino. Then he saw her. She was lifeless on the road, her terror finally over.

"Yes! You killed her! You finally killed her!" Sasuke exclaimed in joy.

"Hurry, we must dispose of the body!" Tenten shouted.

"Alright," Neji said in response. "Should we put her in the dump or the ocean?"

"Ocean, definitely," Sasuke answered. "We should stage her death as if a shark killed her."

"That actually sounds… intelligent!" Kakashi remarked. "We should disguise one of us as the old Rock Lee or Gai sensei, you know before the turned normal, and pretend to kidnap Naruto and Sakura and throw them in a storage compartment in the limo. Then we will drive to the ocean and start to stage Ino's death. Then we let Sakura and Naruto out and hide just in time for them to witness Ino's fake death!"

"Very clever plan!" Neji stated. "But to make sure we can't be caught we should kill Shikamaru and disguise one of us as him so that we can say that Ino and Shikamaru were going on a date! And then we can also stage Shikamaru's death with a dummy full of some of Ino's blood! We'll just bury the real Shikamaru's body in a pile of elephant shit! No one would ever look in elephant shit!"

"That has to be the best plan I ever heard!" Sasuke exclaimed.

"I agree," Tenten replied. "So, who's going to be who?"

"I'll be the shark!" Sasuke shouted.

"I guess I'll be Shikamaru," Neji spoke.

"I'll be Gai sensei when we kidnap Naruto and Sakura!" Kakashi cheerfully volunteered.

"Okay, I'll be Ino when we're at the ocean," Tenten stated. "Now let's go fool the fucking law!"

"Yeah!" everyone else in the limousine screamed.

Then Neji stopped the limousine and he and Kakashi sensei grabbed Ino's dead body and threw her inside one of the storage compartments within the limousine.

"Okay, Neji," Kakashi spoke as he and Neji climbed back into their seats in the limousine. "I never thought that I'd say this, but take us to the spandex store."

"Very well," Neji spoke, turning on the limo and starting to drive. "But you'll have to buy your spandex by yourself."

"I must, so I will, since it is the only way to not get caught by the law," Kakashi agreed.

Five minutes later, Neji pulled the limousine up into the parking lot of the spandex store, which was called 'Lee and Gai's Old Favorite Store', which also meant that the store sold leg warmers, soup-bowl haircut wigs, and bushy eyebrows, and not to forget Rock Lee and Gai sensei half-masks, you know as in masks that had a Lee or Gai mouth and nose. Apparently, the store was currently extremely popular. The parking lot was nearly full and people hustled in and out of the store.

Kakashi opened his door, got up, step out side, and walked into the store. Several people looked him over, doubting that he was a regular customer to the store. But Kakashi sensei hardly minded. He just trudged on into the store.

Kakashi immediately went to the spandex jumpsuit section and looked through the racks for a green one. But of course, wouldn't Gai also wear a different colored one? Kakashi honestly didn't know, so he took one green one and another one at random that was in his sized, draping them both over his right shoulder.

With that he went to the bushy brows section and picked up a pair of the bushiest eyebrows that he could find. He tried them on, making sure that they fit. Once he confirmed that they did, he took them off and put them with his spandex jumpsuits.

He then proceeded to the half-mask section, but out of the corner of his eye he saw a female employee bending down to pick up something. He then turned around to get a better view.

_Man! She has one **hot**, **sexy ass**!_ Kakashi sensei thought. _I could just squeeze that fine thing all night long!_

Kakashi then walked up to the employee and squeezed her ass… hard. Then the employee turned around, revealing the fact that she was actually a guy.

"Would you like me to assist you further?" the employee spoke, raising his eyebrow suggestively.

"Ehh, no thanks," was Kakashi's reply. Then he walked on to the mask section.

After picking up a Gai sensei mask, orange leg warmers, and a soup bowl haircut wig, Kakashi went to the check- out counter and purchased what he had. Then he exited and went out to the limousine and hopped inside.

"So should I wear the green jumpsuit or the purple one?" Kakashi sensei asked.

"Definitely the purple one," Tenten answered as Neji started up the limousine and then started to drive around.

"Okay," Kakashi replied, then walked back to the fully plumbed bathroom to change. When he came out all the others, even Neji whom was supposed to be driving, gasped in amazement.

Kakashi looked EXACTLY like Gai sensei.

"You're the very image of the old Gai!" Tenten squealed in excitement.

"Well, err, thanks… ?" Kakashi stuttered, not knowing to take what Tenten had just said as a compliment or a put- down.

"Alright," Neji said. "Now to start phase one: Kidnapping Naruto and Sakura. Now, where does Naruto live, Gai sen- oh, I mean Kakashi?"

"321 Ramen Avenue off of Noodle Drive," Kakashi sensei replied.

"Thanks," Neji replied. With that he headed for Naruto's house. About twenty minutes later he arrived on Ramen Avenue and pulled the limousine behind some bushes, but the tail gate of the limo still stuck out.

"Alright, here goes nothing," Kakashi said as he got out of the limousine. "Wish me some luck."

"Good luck," Sasuke said dully.

"Thanks for the enthusiasm," Kakashi sensei remarked sarcastically. And with that he crept down the avenue towards Naruto's house.

When he reached Naruto's house he calmly rang the doorbell and waited. And waited. And waited some more. After a half hour or so, the ninja in disguise just tried to see if the door was locked; which it wasn't. Almost effortlessly, Kakashi opened the door and went inside the death trap of horrible things that you can see.

Almost immediately, Sakura scrambled out of a closet, carrying Bambi.

"Oh, hi Gai sensei," Sakura spoke. "Are you here for Naruto and Lee's play date or something?"

"Well, umm, yes I am," Kakashi spoke, trying to sound like the old Gai. "There isn't anything more youthful than a play date full of youth!"

"Hey, didn't you turn… normal?" Sakura questioned.

"Maybe," Kakashi said.

Then Kiba wandered out of the closet, luckily fully clothed. Soon afterwards, Akamaru followed, Kiba's tampon in her (Yes, HER. I changed Akamaru's gender, remember) mouth.

Two seconds later, Naruto slid down the staircase, luckily fully clothed as well.

"Wanna know what sucks?" Naruto asked. "I used my crack so much that I can't get any more at all to come out!"

"Naruto!" Sakura shrieked. "You're a fucking sick bastard!"

"What? What did I do?" Naruto questioned. "All I did was do drugs, and Kakashi does them all the time."

"Naruto, you sexually abused yourself," Kiba smirked, immediately catching on to what he did.

"So what if some white stuff came out of my- uhh- my wee-wee," Naruto whined. "All I'm doing is drugs!"

"Whatever," Kakashi said. With that he performed a jutsu and magically all of them were tied in thick barbed wire, including Bambi. Kakashi went over and grabbed all of them and carried them outside.

"Gai sensei!" Naruto squealed. 'What are you doing with us?"

The supposedly 'Gai sensei' did not reply. He just crept off behind some bushes and entered a certain limousine.

"I got three youthful extras," Kakashi spoke to the people in the limousine, all whom were crouched down so that the hostages wouldn't know who they were. "Kiba, Akamaru, and Bambi were also in Naruto's house."

"That's fine," a voice replied. "Put Naruto and Sakura where we originally planned and put the other three in a different storage compartment."

"Okay," Kakashi replied.

Kakashi then opened one storage compartment and threw his two students within it, then closed it. He then opened another storage compartment and stuffed Kiba, Akamaru, and Bambi inside it and then closed it as well.

"Good," Neji replied, no longer crouching down as well as the Sasuke and Tenten. "Phase one is complete. Now to start phase two; murdering Shikamaru. Does anyone know where Shikamaru's house is located?"

"Naruto might," Sasuke suggested.

"Anyone else?" Neji asked, but he got no reply, thus he continued. "Kakashi, go talk to Naruto through the storage compartment, but only open it a crack so he and Sakura can not see the rest of us."

"Gotcha," Kakashi sensei spoke, still dressed as Gai. He then crept over to the storage compartments and cracked open the one where Naruto and Sakura were inside.

'I… I c-… I can see the light!" Sakura spoke.

"Shut up, Sakura," Gai- err, I mean Kakashi replied. "Naruto, do you know where the ever so youthful Shikamaru lives?"

"Well, one time I did ask him, but he just said that it would be too troublesome to tell me," Naruto answered the question, only to have the compartment be shut and locked two seconds later.

"The blonde moron doesn't know," Kakashi replied; walking to the bathroom in the limo to change into his normal, crack stained clothes.

"Why don't we just ask Shikamaru himself where he lives," Sasuke said.

"Yeah! That's a great idea!" Tenten exclaimed. "Look! He's right there on the side walk!"

Everyone looked at the sidewalk, and sure enough Shikamaru was there. Neji then pulled the limousine up to the sidewalk and rolled his window down.

"Hey, Shikamaru," Neji spoke. "Where do you live?"

"Why do you want to know?" Shikamaru questioned, turning his head.

"Because I want to go over there and murder you," Neji casually replied.

"Isn't it so troublesome to go all the way over to my house, wait for me to show up there, and then kill me?" Shikamaru said. "Wouldn't it be easier to just kill me now since no one else is around for miles?"

"Oh," Neji said in response. "I guess that would be more convenient."

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A/N: Wow. I can't believe I wrote that. On second thought, actually I can, for I am Crack God, Crack God the All Mighty! Hn… So what did you think? I originally was just going to make The Chronicles of Ino's Death just one chapter, but it got so loooooooooooooooooooonnng that I decided that I would have to make it into two chapters. Maybe it will even last 3 chapters. But alas, this fic is nearing completion. When this fic is completely finished it will be ten to thirteen chapters. But this fic will only get better and better until it is complete, so please continue to read and review! I appreciate greatly all of you that have reviewed already and I would tremendously appreciate if any of you readers review. Thanks for reading and please continue to read and please review! Hah! Eat that, read-n-review! I just put 'read' and review' in the same sentence so now you HAVE to review! Hn. Thanks for reading and please review!


	7. The Chronicles of Ino's Death: Part 2

Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts

Chapter 7

Neji and Shikamaru just blankly stared at each other for several hours. Why you may ask, well don't fucking ask me I don't write this fic I only type it, but fine if you insist upon asking me…it's a secret love interest…

Finally Neji rolled up the window of the limo to have a talk to his comrades-in-crime privately grated Neji never really did have a quit voice in these situations so his private conversation was still rather easily heard through the closed window.

"This is not good!" Neji high-pitchy shirked. "Shikamaru is playing mined game with us, I tell you MIND GAMES!"

"Okay, just stick to the plan Neji," Kakashi replied. "We'll just follow him to his house and kill him there."

"I still need my My Little Pony costume." Sasuke queerly said in a high-pichish squeak as he popped his leg while lacing his hands together.

Kakashi looked at his pupil with either a hint of concern or MAYBE a slight hint of being turned on, but whatever the case was he corrected Sasuke. "Uh, Sasuke, you get to where the shark costume."

"Damnit!" Sasuke muttered under his breath as he lowered his leg but still kept his hands laced and then the Uchiha did something that he would NEVER EVER do yet he did it so technically it wasn't something he would never ever do but still. Sasuke turned to Kakashi with the biggest, cutest, creepiest puppy face EVER. "Can I pwease get the pony costume, pwease."

Now when Kakashi saw this he almost drove off the side of the road but instead only hit a mailbox, 2 street lights, a cat, a field mouse, and the now ex-sectary of defense who to everyone's great displeasure survived even though 'accidentally' Kakashi hit him 3 differnet times by stopping and backing up. As soon as Kakashi gained control of the limo again he composed himself. "No."

"Pwease!!!" Sasuke pleaded while making his eyes even larger.

Tenten who by now was recovering from 4 heart attacks and psychological damage had about had enough and did a wonderful job of keeping calm. "NOW LISTEN HERE YOU DAMN BITCHES! SASUKE YOU'RE GETTING THE DAMN SHARK COSTUME AND KAKASHI, YOU'RE KEEPING YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD AND HANDS ON THE FUCKING WHEEL BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT TO LIVE TO SEE TOMORROW!" Kakashi and Sasuke stared blankly at her before she continued in an unusually sweat and high-pitched tone. "Got that boys? Now here is the plan, you and Sasuke will go buy the costume and me and Neji will sneak out of the limo and tail Shikamaru to his house."

Sasuke and Kakashi now fearful of their lives and secretly wondering why Tenten was acting so bipollar, simply nodded their heads in agreement.

After a few moments awkward silence Kakashi turned on the radio which was playing "Getting Away With Murder" by Papa Roach. The three glanced at each other, Kakashi and Sasuke at Tenten's boobs, and got on with their lives.

A few minutes later Tenten and Neji snuck out of the limo, which involved doing a really cool jump, through the window, back-flip cartwheel thing that was totally discreet. Then Kakashi did a donut in the Victoria Secrets parking lot thinking it would have the costume they required. After much argument as to whether or not Victoria Secret sold shark costumes Sasuke was thrown through the limo's windshield to make ends meet with what was available. With minimal injuries Sasuke slithered into the front door of Victoria Secret, that no one had noticed had been sold and the front door now boor a poster saying Victoria Secret is out of business today. It wasn't a hostile take over and the new store was called Magic in the Sea.

After an annoying sales clerk, with purpled eye shadow, dived on Sasuke trying to sell him waterproof condoms, Sasuke selling his body to science to buy the condoms, a man named Jim got shot, and several non-Victoria Secret employees were found hog-tied in a closet, Sasuke emerged from the store with something that was DEFINATLY NOT a shark costume.

"So how did it go?" Kakashi asked once Sasuke had reached the limo again and had re-entered through the windshield.

"Well…"

**FlashBack**

Sasuke slithered into the store only to be harassed by a sales clerk with purple eye shadow who for no reason at all looked oddly familiar. "Would you like to buy some water proof condoms?"

Sasuke's eyes lit up with joy and curiosity.

"There very special in the fact that they cost twice as much as normal condoms…"

Sasuke's eyes continued to grow.

"…So how many to you want?"

Sasuke's eyes still continued to grow.

"10..20..3,456,734,908?…Okay! 3,456,734,908 it will be then! Now if you don't have that kind of money you could always sell your body to science." The Clerk whipped out a 20 foot contract printed on purple paper with purple ink and a purple pen.

Sasuke's eyes still grew but he also took the contract and signed it.

The clerk's eyes lit up with great joy and also started to grow. "Now is there anything else I can help you with..."

The following scene has been edited due to graphic images.

**End Flashback**

"Wow, why are you're hands dirty?" Kakashi noticed.

"Well…"

**Another FlashBack**

Approximately 4 days ago, at 5:45 A.M. Sasuke was alone with his Sakura cut out card board poster in his private spa in his private mansion on his private avenue. He had an appointment with his private stillest in an hour to die his (lower) hair pink. In the end Sasuke was on time to his appointment and did indeed die his (lower) hair pink (and for those readers who have no fucking idea where else people get hair, you probably haven't started puberty yet and SHOULD NOT be reading this fic).

**End other FlashBack**

"Wow you die your (lower) hairs pink too!" Kakashi squealed with delight.

"Yep, now lets go find Neji and Tenten so we can find the unlucky bastard."

Kakashi then started the limo and drove away.

But unbeknown to the two probably gay fudge packers (even though Sasuke's not gay because he will have sex will Saskura at the end of this chapter)(WHY THE FUCK DID YOU TYPE THAT SASKURA-CHAN!!!), the sales clerk was watching their every move as they left the parking lot. He calmly waited with his placid disposition all the while applying another coat of purple eye shadow. He eagerly rubbed his hands together and prepared to wait for what was to come…

----With Neji and Tenten -----

Neji and Tenten had managed to follow Shikamaru to his house; it was a small little house with a quaint air about it.

Tenten having another bipolar mood swing pulled Neji down onto Shikamaru's front lawn and tore off his clothes. Neji feeling rather forced allowed Tenten to be the 'man' which she had been doing a lot lately. Shikamaru who was in the upstairs of his house and just about to down loud some internet porn and watch it just so happened to look out his window instead and saw Tenten and Neji. Three minutes later Tenten had another mood swing and suddenly stopped yelling at Neji for starting the whole thing. Shikamaru who by now had his binoculars looked rather sad. "Its over, what a drag." And with that he resumed his internet porn quest.

Just as Neji and Tenten pulled on their clothes, Kakashi drove up to the house with Sasuke and 5 hostages. The two sex addicts walked up the doorsteps and Kakashi and Sasuke hopped out of the limousine, slamming the doors very roughly on their way out. Needless to say, the broken windshield spit out the remaining fragments of glass in a shower of sharp and pointy things. Unnoticed by Kakashi, his nice bowl of crack became sprinkled with the glass…

"Sorry we're late," Kakashi replied with his famous, and feminine, 'late smile'.

"What?" Tenten blankly asked. "How did you find us? I thought none of us knew where Shikamaru lived?"

"We didn't," Sasuke replied. "Well, that is until I stole a map from the hobo at the corner." Sasuke pointed at the corner of the street and, sure enough, a hobo was sprinting towards Sasuke with a shotgun in his/her/its hand. Upon further investigation, the hobo was identified as George W. Bush carrying another 'Declaration of War' certificate. None of the four ninja seemed to give a damn though. "Anyway, I just looked at the map and found the location of 'Nara-Shikamaru-Lives-Here Avenue' and decided it was worth a shot to drive by."

"Hmm… Very, very, interesting," Neji pondered.

"Let's just hurry up and kill Shikamaru to finish our plan," Kakashi impatiently whined.

"Fine, fine, fine," Neji agreed.

With that the Hyuga kicked down the door and the newly assembled team marched into the house like a swat team with way too much free time on their hands.

The house was very well kept. Besides two hookers dancing in the corner while listening to 'Shake That' by Eminem on an MP3 player, the first room was virtually empty.

Marching onward, the four climbed a spiral staircase and fell down from the top several times just for the heck of it. After dislocating several bones, they continued looking for Shikamaru.

After Neji kicked down another door, they found Shikamaru. Unluckily, however, the room in which the door led to was the bathroom. And let's just say Shikamaru wasn't using the facilities.

Shikamaru quickly clothed himself at stared at the intruders in drastic disbelief. "It is polite to knock, you do know," he said after a few minutes of pointless silence.

"Kill him now!" Kakashi roared.

Sasuke charged in on Shikamaru, but easily fell victim to Shikamaru's shadow possession technique. The Uchiha tried to activate his sharigan but failed miserably.

Neji Hyuga started attacking Shikamaru with speedy palm strikes. However, Sasuke was also being damaged by the attacks and Neji was forced to stop.

"Get Sasuke free!" Tenten yelled. "I'm going to attack Shikamaru with my weapon attack!"

Kakashi revealed his sharigan, used it to copy Shikamaru's shadow possession technique, performed the technique on Shikamaru, and then dispelled the technigue thus causing to dispel his own.

Tenten then whipped out her weapon scroll and two seconds later hundreds of weapons bombarded Shikamaru. The kunoichi's perfect aim hit the mark and Shikamaru's penis was decapitated.

Shikamaru then fell over, dead.

**A/N: Saskura-Chan typed it and added shit. Yep. Happy Random Day. Yay!!!…**


	8. The Chronicles of Ino's Death: Part 3

Kakashi's Squad: The Team of Drug Addicts 

Written by: Crack God

In the previous chapter:

Shikamaru was killed. Yep, that's basically it. Oh, and Sasuke bought his shark 'costume'. Yep.

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**Chapter Eight (Chapter 8)**

**Chapter Title: The Chronicles of Ino's Death Part III – The Final Conclusion**

**A/N: 'Tis the LAST CHAPTER! WHOO! My first non-oneshot story that I've completed! Thank you all of my precious, precious readers!**

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With a loud thud, the trunk to the limousine was slammed shut, courtesy of Neji. Shikamaru's dead body was inside.

Kakashi, Tenten, and Neji then stepped into the limousine. By now, it was dark. Really dark. Tomorrow, they would execute the final stage of their plan.

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Intense darkness surrounded all. Silence accompanied the darkness. Although, Naruto's snores were not at all silent.

And then there was light. Intense, blinding light. It took several moments before the outline of four people could be seen. The sounds of seagulls and the smell of salt were immediately recognizable.

"Where, where are we?" Sakura asked, her new pink Afro askew.

"At the beach, of course," Kakashi sensei answered his only drug-free student. "Where else would we be?"

"Mexico?" Naruto replied. Everyone gave him odd looks.

Kakashi elbowed Sasuke in the stomach. "Pssst! Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst! It's your line now!" Kakashi reminded the Uchiha.

"Oh, right," Sasuke mumbled. He then look down at a stapled bunch of papers. The top page read 'How to Stage Ino's Death and Get Away With Murder'. Both Sakura and Naruto ignored this. "Ahem. Sak-ur-a, do you want us to go to the loc-ker rooms to-geth-er and watch each other strip?" He apparently had the reading abilities of a seven-year-old.

Sakura didn't need to hear anything else. She grabbed Sasuke by the arm, jumped out of the limousine and forced him into the locker rooms.

Now Tenten glanced down at her own script. "Hey Naruto, Neji and I are going to go play in the water. Do you want to come with to see me in my bra- hey, wait a second! Who the hell wrote this shit?"

"Umm… you did," Neji replied, hiding a pen behind his back. The same color of pen that the script was written in; green.

"I did? Oh well, I guess," Tenten said, then continued to read from the script. "Naruto, we could play fun games like water volleyball. Would you please join us?"

Before the flustered Naruto could answer, he was forced into the water.

Kakashi then got to work. He let Kiba, Akamaru, and Bambi out of their sealed compartment. Sadly to say, he had forgotten the three letter word 'air' and both Kiba and his doggy had died. The scene of their deaths was quite odd. Let's just say Kiba wasn't wearing pants… or underwear…

Bambi, however, was perfectly fine. He jumped out onto the sandy beach. Unknown to the young deer, though, was that both George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were on the beach. Once Cheney saw the deer, he immediately pulled out his hunting rifle, which was conveniently hidden in his crack (you know what I mean). He aimed and took a shot. However, there was something that he had never learned in hunter's safety class. And that something was that you should hold the gun so that the barrel is pointing at your target. He was stupid enough to have the barrel point in the opposite direction, and a bullet pierced though George W. Bush's throat. Realizing his mistake, he hijacked the limousine, changed his name to Michael Jackson, got plastic surgery to remove his nose, and lived in search of little ittle cutesy wutesy pandas in China.

"Hmm… how convenient," Kakashi muttered aloud. He walked over to the president, thumbed through his wallet, and stole all of his credit cards. Little did anyone know that a week from then, the White House would see that, after Bush mysteriously disappeared, the president's credit cards were all maxed out on debts to foreign strip clubs.

Kakashi then retrieved the dead bodies of Ino and Shikamaru. He then proceeded to play with them like dolls.

"Oh, Shikamaru, isn't today the most lovely day for a walk on the beach?"

"Yes it is, Ino. This is the perfect date. I love you."

"Shikamaru, let's have sex right now."

"Okay, Ino."

By now, Sakura and Sasuke were now in the water with Neji, Tenten, and Naruto. They were all playing volleyball in the water. But since they couldn't find a volleyball, they were using Bambi instead. Naruto and Sakura were not the least bit creeped out that Ino and Shikamaru were going on a date with Kakashi in between them, nor from the fact that Kakashi was stripping off their clothes.

Eventually, Kakashi made his way down to the water's edge and swam while carrying his two new puppets. He jerked his head as a signal to Sasuke.

The Uchiha saw the sign and dove underneath the water, taking time to change into his shark costume, which was basically just a dorsal fin a string to tie around his head and blue bikini top. He then rose just enough so that the dorsal fin showed.

"Oh, Ino! Oh no! I shark is coming right at us! I think it will eat us!"

"Shikamaru, I love you! But before we die I should tell you that I've slept with Lee, Choji, Gai, Asuma, Shino, Kiba, and even Temari."

With that, Sasuke grabbed Ino and Shikamaru from Kakashi and took them under the water. Everyone was watching with horror.

Sasuke the proceeded to actually eat the dead bodies, just to get enough blood in the water. He then took off his shark costume and swam back to the others.

"Oh no! A shark! Run!" he screamed.

With that, he and everyone else but Kakashi ran from water and back to the village.

Kakashi then stripped to the milkshake song.

Then, attracted to the blood in the area, a real shark came and ate Kakashi.

The End.

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In conclusion:

Ino's whorishness never haunted the village ever again.

Kakashi's drug dealer went out of business.

Sasuke and Sakura had a grand total of 32 kids.

Gaara murdered Jack Nicholson when he tried to force the red head to hug his siblings.

Neji and Tenten attempted to cure Naruto of his very unusual masturbation problem. The blonde is still going through therapy.

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**Thank you so much for reading. Please review the finished story! **


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